Jess Quindlen: [00:00:00] Welcome back to the Sound Cents Podcast. I'm Jessica Quindlen. Today we will be discussing relationships and money. Before we get started, I just want to reiterate, you know, we all come from different backgrounds with money from how we were raised to what we may have gone through with previous situations.
And it's always important to know that it takes time to find a plan that's going to work for your relationship. So, give yourself and your partner grace.
Today, I'm super excited to be joined by Bree Shellito, our Senior Manager of Community Impact. How are you, Bree?
Bree Shellito: I'm great. How are you, Jess?
Jess Quindlen: I'm good. Thank you. And Emma Protsik, our Supervisor of Financial Coaching. Emma, how are you?
Emma Protsik: Doing well, thank you.
Jess Quindlen: Good. First I'd like to actually just start and ask you both, where are you in relationships? Are you married? What's going on?
Emma Protsik: Not married yet. Actually, getting married this fall. So yes, we've been having a lot of great conversations around money. So really excited to be here and chat about this topic.
Jess Quindlen: Awesome. And Bree, how about you?
Bree Shellito: Yeah, I've been in a relationship for a little over 10 years and married for seven years. And we've been through multiple conversations about this topic.
Jess Quindlen: Awesome. I love it. [00:01:00] So what are some best practices that you both use in your relationships. Bree, I'll let you start.
Bree Shellito: Sure. Best practices are conversations, continual conversations. Setting expectations is a really big one for us.
Jess Quindlen: How about you, Emma?
Emma Protsik: Something we did in our relationship pretty early on is actually setting aside specific times to have those conversations. I call those money dates.
We try to make it as fun as possible, get some takeout, make a nice dinner, but really just being intentional of setting those times to have those conversations and check in with each other and our goals.
Jess Quindlen: I love that. So what do you feel is important to have those really productive money conversations?
Emma Protsik: First step to kind of start having those conversations again, I think it is setting down a specific time. So if your paycheck's synced up when everyone's getting paid, I think that's a great time to check in. So I would recommend at least once a month, but obviously the more, the better there. So just again, a time where you can both sit down and the sole focus is going to be money. So, no other distractions going on there.
Jess Quindlen: [00:02:00] Awesome. I love that. So of course, every relationship is different. Everyone comes from different situations. I'd like to first discuss how you would recommend couples manage their money, who have similar incomes or are in that kind of similar situation. Bree?
Bree Shellito: That's a great question and I wanted to say, because you said Jess, that every household is different as well.
So, this particular session isn't just about a relationship, a romantic relationship. This could be partners or roommates or anything. So definitely just taking that, but an equal approach is kind of the most common that we see. It doesn't mean that's the right way, but that idea of splitting things right down the middle, 50/50, looking at every individual bill.
And back to the household thing, if you are a household that uses a whiteboard, do that. If you are a household that uses Excel spreadsheets or some sort of Google Drive to share those, do that. But we wouldn't necessarily recommend starting something brand new. You can certainly try it, but if you're going to stick with it, use existing tools that your household already uses to keep track of those things.
Jess Quindlen: I love that. And what if you know, you have one person in the relationship who [00:03:00] is the whiteboard or Excel user, and then the other not so much. Do you have any sort of recommendations working around that?
Bree Shellito: Yes, because that's me. So, in my relationship I'm the one writing the things down. It's actually funny.
So, for ours, and of course everyone's different, we're going to talk about a couple different approaches, but we've always used the equal approach. We don't have children, so I'd like to add that that's a caveat to certainly kind of figure out what those things look like. But for us it's always been 50/50.
So, every month we're kind of looking at the bills, primarily me looking at the bills. Doing the different breakdowns on what our credit card and what owes on each. And then just writing down truly on a Post-it Note for him. Writing down on a Post-it Note, breaking it down, what's owed towards the mortgage, HOA, things like that.
And then, and not only does he get the physical copy of the Post-it Note, but a quick text with the photo of the Post-it Note to make a transfer.
Jess Quindlen: Yes. I love it. Do that due diligence. That's fabulous. So, any other if similar income approaches that people might be able to use if equal is just not really in the cards for them?
Bree Shellito: Yeah, and this other approach, can also [00:04:00] be really great if you aren't yet comfortable having the very transparent money conversations. If you're not looking to really look into each other's finances, especially if you're early on in a relationship. This one's kind of that "I got you next time" approach.
And we really, in my relationship, started this way when we didn't really look at each other's finances. It was a matter of like, okay, so we're going to go to dinner, I'll pick up this one. Kind of treat you this time, you treat me next time. So it definitely doesn't break down to necessarily 50/50 because one dinner's going to be different than the other, or breakfast or what have you.
But it's kind of that back and forth approach of we're trying to stay on top of being somewhat equal, but that tends to work as well for similar incomes.
Jess Quindlen: Awesome. I love that. So now let's switch gears to situations where one makes significantly more than the other, that we're definitely not in an equal territory.
Emma, what are some approaches that they can do?
Emma Protsik: Yeah, this is actually kind of my relationship here. My fiancé has a plethora of jobs and talents and makes a good amount more than I do. But what we kind of like to do is the equal percentage of our earnings. So [00:05:00] we keep our finances separate and what we've agreed upon because that 50/50 would eat up a lot of my paychecks, what I'm bringing in. We do equal percentages of our total income coming in. So, figure out that amount that works to cover those shared expenses. And even though the dollar amount isn't the same, we are still contributing the same percentage of our total income.
Jess Quindlen: Fantastic. I love that. When it comes to shopping or things you might want to do that are truly for yourself - or shopping maybe for gifts around the holidays or birthdays - what are some ways that if you are transparent with your money, you can still kind of have those secretive or separate, private situations?
Bree Shellito: That's a great question because that has definitely been the evolution of our relationship. So we still have our own credit cards that are completely separate. Those are really what we use for those gifts. Around the holidays, gets difficult sometimes sharing our Amazon account. The rule is don't look at the orders tab.
That has to be known. But truly just deciding what works for you, deciding whatever those things are. And then the other [00:06:00] side of that would be just making sure that those things are coming up if you do decide to share everything completely transparently. And sometimes making the decisions, like it may be better to buy something like the gift off of Amazon or at Walmart where it could be a plethora of things.
If you shop at a more specific retailer and you know exactly what it's going to be, let's say like a jewelry store or something like that. It's pretty obvious what the gift is going to be. So having that conversation, how you're going to approach those things is huge. And if you're comfortable having separate things that just the other sees, that's really important.
But for us, we have a shared credit card that we use to buy a lot of those things, like the things that we need for the household like toilet paper. And at the end of the month, we split that up in that way. So that's been really helpful. But early on it was kind of that, I got you next time which led to some frustrations when it felt like one of us, primarily me, was picking up a lot of the soaps and those things that are just expected to be in the household, but you don't feel that big purchase, but it adds up.
Jess Quindlen: [00:07:00] Yeah, absolutely. That makes sense. Any other sort of tidbits or tricks that you'd like to share with our listeners?
Emma Protsik: Jess, earlier you mentioned how we all kind of come with different backgrounds for money, right? How we were raised, how we've experienced different financial situations. So again, going back to having those conversations, I think it's really good to set expectations and boundaries with our finances.
And one practice that a lot of couples use that has been pretty beneficial is discussing large purchases over a set amount. So if your finances are separate in any way and a bigger purchase comes up, something that you're wanting or unexpected, just agree upon an amount to start having that conversation so you're not just spending the money and getting upset with each other.
Again, it's all about that open honesty.
Bree Shellito: And the other tip I'd say is not everyone is on that steady fixed income. So knowing your situation, just like what you were talking about, Emma, those expectations that may be very different for each of us at this table.
Maybe it's $25, $50, $100. [00:08:00] $500. That is up to you as a partnership to decide. But in addition to that, just making sure that you're catering to your specific situation. So, if you're someone that does not have that salary where it's going to be the same every time - maybe you work anywhere in the arts - that can certainly be different based on when you sell whatever it is that you make.
So just those things are commissions. Talk about those, talk about bonuses. Is a bonus or a commission the same as the standard income or is that something else that you alone will decide how to spend? How those things are going to work, and just even thinking towards the future. If we decide to change a job or somebody wants to go back to school, how might those things work?
Just anticipating what's to come as well, so that as you get there, it isn't uncomfortable. Or as you're thinking about, “Ooh, I'd really like to go back to school and cut down to part-time.” How might that work in this scenario? Talking through some of those things too, just to set it out there. Get it out on how that might work, because that might be a frustration point that is good to talk about.
And maybe right [00:09:00] now everything's great because both people are making a certain amount of income. But if something changes, having that idea early on is for the better.
Jess Quindlen: Yes. I love that. And I think it just brings it back to the most important point for the three of us, which is just have those conversations.
Bree Shellito: Transparency.
Jess Quindlen: Exactly, yes. And just allow that trust within the situation. And I think just allowing grace. You know, you are ready to discuss this when you're ready. Don't feel like you have to do it immediately and also have grace with your partner. They might not be ready to share all of their debt and all of that information, and it's just really allowing those conversations.
I love that.
Emma Protsik: Yeah, I think it definitely takes time to your point. And one thing that I always try to keep in mind is there is a lot of emotions around money. Of course, you might feel frustrations with each other. What I try to do with my partner is just keep in mind that it is really us against a problem we're facing together.
It's not a me versus you situation. So we got to work together as a team to find this best solution for the problem we're facing.
Jess Quindlen: I love that. I want that on a bumper sticker, on a t-shirt. It's amazing. Well, that brings [00:10:00] us to the end of our show. Emma, Bree, thank you so much for being here. It was great to have you.
Bree Shellito: Thank you for having us.
Emma Protsik: Thanks, Jess.
Jess Quindlen: Yes. Well thank you for listening to Sound Cents from Ent Credit Union. Be sure to follow our podcast as well as rate and review us. I'm Jessica Quindlen. I will see you next week. Same time. Same place.
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