Jessica Quindlen: [00:00:00] Welcome back to the Sound Cents Podcast. I'm Jessica Quindlen. Today we're diving into love and finances. I have with us today, Bree Shellito, our Senior Manager of Community Impact. Hello, Bree.
Bree Shellito: Hey.
And Katie Griffin, our Supervisor of Community Education. Hello, Katie.
Katie Griffin: Hello.
Jessica Quindlen: Hello. All right, Bree, let's dive right in. How do love and money intersect in a relationship?
Bree Shellito: Jess, they more than intersect. I mean, money makes the world go round in general. So certainly, as we're spending money in a relationship, as we're generally living our lives, just truly having it be a part of the conversations and the communication.
Jessica Quindlen: Yes. Absolutely. I completely agree. And I think, you know, dates cost money, presents cost money, all those kinds of things.
Bree Shellito: All the good things.
Jessica Quindlen: Yes. All right. So Katie, how important is communication when it comes to finances in a relationship?
Katie Griffin: It's so important. It's so, so important. I can't stress enough how necessary it is to just be super open with that communication piece, especially when it comes to [00:01:00] finances. It's a sensitive topic, and the more that you just have the conversations surrounding your finances, I think ultimately will result in less stress in the relationship.
Because I have seen it happen before where folks aren't talking about it and then that can cause some resentment and arguments, and just all of the stressful negative things. So the more that you have those conversations - you don't always have to agree - but just talking through it can relieve a lot of stress that can very easily come from finances. And then that stress impacts so many other areas of your life as well.
Bree Shellito: Money is by far one of the leading causes of divorce in general, but above that it's lack of commitment and communication. So, combining those three is just a recipe for disaster.
Jessica Quindlen: No, absolutely. So, what are some practical tips for couples who want to create a financial plan together?
Bree Shellito: I think overall, it's just [00:02:00] continuing the conversation and knowing that it's going to evolve over time. So really, if we're talking about practical tips, it's talking about, first of all, money in, money out. Coming up with kind of a budget and deciding whether you want to actually combine finances or keep them completely separate or something of a hybrid in between, all of which is acceptable.
Every couple is going to manage their finances differently. Sometimes that is a matter of how much each person makes and how much each person spends. And certainly, as we get smaller humans involved, that's when the budget really becomes who is covering what and how is this working out?
So really just taking a look at your situation. How much money is coming in, how much money is going out and who should be accountable for those are key. So, if that's equal, if it's 50/50, if it's a percentage based on your income, if that's a matter of like I got you this time, you get me next time, tons of different approaches. So really just finding what works for you as a couple and what you're both comfortable with. [00:03:00]
Jessica Quindlen: If you don't mind me asking, in your relationships, did you introduce this conversation early on? Or was it not until closer to marriage and those kind of times when you were having these conversations?
Bree Shellito: Very early on for me. I would want to know credit score first date.
Jessica Quindlen: Stop. You've been with your husband since you were young though, right?
Bree Shellito: I know. 20, yes. So Eric and I were together 13 years. Oh, I wanted to know. Well, finance has always been a big part of my life and also wanting to avoid getting into trouble.
So just truly wanting to know what his financial situation looks like. It probably wasn't the first date. It would be today if I were back in the dating world, but just a matter of like what things look like and how we were going to handle it. We moved in pretty early.
Katie Griffin: Yeah, so I was 19 when we first started dating.
Jessica Quindlen: I don't think I knew what a credit score was. And I'm like, at a first date…I have no idea what my credit score is.
Katie Griffin: Yeah, trying to think back that long ago…but I feel like we just kind of were winging it [00:04:00] the first couple of years. Like we were both still in school and we also moved in together, relatively early in the relationship. We were just making sure things were paid, of course, but we were not strategic at all with savings or anything else.
But yeah, once we started getting closer to actually getting married, then it was more of a serious conversation.
Bree Shellito: It would have been much harder today just with how much everything is, but years ago, 13 years ago, we made the very conscious decision to be together because we wanted to be, and we didn't want finances to be an effect.
So even when we would rent an apartment, we were sure that one of us could cover it on our own without the other if for any reason we decided not to be together. Very cut and dry.
Jessica Quindlen: Hey, I think that's fine. Every relationship is different.
Bree Shellito: Committed, but you know.
Jessica Quindlen: So how can couples navigate differences in their values when it comes to finances and spending habits?[00:05:00]
Katie Griffin: Well, surprise, surprise, it all comes back to communication. So having those conversations of what your values and spending habits are, when it comes to like financial values. I mean, all kinds of values, but especially financial values and those spending habits. You may or may not be on the same page and that's okay, but you have to acknowledge those similarities and differences so that what you do share, you can be on the same page about. But where you do have the differences, then it might be talking about some different compromises.
If one person values something else, the other person thinks it's ridiculous, but you know, they might have something else, kind of like a tradeoff. So having those compromises in place so that both people are seen and heard and not necessarily always get what you want, but just recognizing that there is going to be some give and take. But just having that conversation and being open to talking about it.
Bree Shellito: Especially about values. If you can bring it back to what you value, and if that's what you're spending your money on, [00:06:00] then at the time of a disconnection or even an argument, you know the reason that they did that. It's because they value something that it has to do with. So finding that commonality or alignment makes it that much easier if something were to arise that you disagree on.
Katie Griffin: It might seem silly, but it can help to actually write all this out. Rather than just talking about it, you know, put it on paper so you have something to reference and remind each other.
Jessica Quindlen: I love that. And maybe even, you know, going into the conversation without having it decided in your own head of this is exactly how we're going to manage our finances.
Because if your values or your spending habits don't align, maybe fully combining finances is not the best idea, for example. So, I think it's also being open and flexible to the solution.
Katie Griffin: Absolutely.
Jessica Quindlen: So moving forward, you know, couples, they're speaking, they're doing their values and their spending habits.
What about like those long-term financial commitments that typically come in relationships? Marriage, homeownership, raising a family, children? How can we [00:07:00] prepare for that kind of big money stuff?
Bree Shellito: Well, certainly communicate about it, but also just have in mind what the two of you value.
What does that look like? Really talk through the end goal, especially when it comes to things like owning a home. What kind of home? Where? What are the things that we're going to value? Because that's not only going to help us with the financial part, but even just in the home search in general, all of which can be super frustrating.
So having a discussion about what it looks like. To Katie's point, writing it down. Coming up with a plan. And if there's difficulties, even sometimes working with a financial coach. Sitting down as a couple or as a family or whatever makes sense for you and talking through it and coming up with a good plan on what it's going to take to get there. How much money it's going to take to get there.
And just kind of prioritizing those as well. Which comes first, what are the pieces that need to come together? We also have a podcast about preparing for weddings. Those really add up as well. And I know that even for some of our team members who got married earlier this year, knowing what [00:08:00] all went into it and really had they gone about it in a different plan may have decided differently than to have a big wedding.
So, anticipating what you really want, what you really value, which of those need to be on the priority list first. And then just having that conversation about what you're going to allocate more money towards.
Jessica Quindlen: How can couples maintain financial independence while fostering financial interdependence?
Katie Griffin: Well, I'll just share what I do in my relationship that works pretty well. I know some other couples that do this as well. What we did is we sat down and just totaled up how much our monthly bills are. And then we looked at, okay, how much income are we each bringing in?
It's not always going to be exactly equal. Typically, one person may be making more than the other. So, we took how much our monthly bills are and figured out, how to split that fairly. So, what percentage of each person's income would go towards contributing towards the monthly bills?
And then we have a joint [00:09:00] checking account and so every month we know exactly how much we're both transferring into the joint checking account that covers all the bills and then we also have a joint savings account. We've agreed how much we are both going to contribute to the joint savings and then anything that's left is each to their own.
So I have leftover money to spend on things that I want to, my partner has leftover money to spend on things that he wants to, and so then you don't run into like getting like judgy or resentful on how the other person is spending their money because the bills are paid, savings is covered, and then do what you want with the rest of it.
Jessica Quindlen: I love that. I think that's certainly great. I have never in any of my relationships fully brought our finances together for those reasons. I like to buy things and I like to go shopping, and I don't want someone to judge me for it.
Bree Shellito: Exactly. One thing especially when you completely combine is just understanding those times of gifts.
What is that going to look like around holiday seasons or on birthdays? If it's completely combined, [00:10:00] what does that look like? So sometimes a suggestion might be having completely combined if you decide to do that, but then also having a separate credit card or something, or simply an agreement around those times, not to look at the Amazon cart or the order history or something. Or just buying it at some of those bigger box stores where you may not know what the purchase was.
Of course, if you buy it a specialty place, you're going to kind of know what the gift was, but just keeping that in mind, if you do decide to merge completely. Having a plan for when you want to buy something as a surprise.
Jessica Quindlen: I love that.
Katie Griffin: Yeah. And there's a few different ways you can go about it. I have some friends that do have the joint checking for the bills and do that part, but then when it comes to going out to eat, they take turns who pays for it. What we do is we have a joint credit card. We've decided this is our budget for going out to eat for the month.
We put it on the joint credit card and that's part of our bills that we both contribute to the joint checking for.
Bree Shellito: We do that too. Yeah, a couple different ways to go about it.
Jessica Quindlen: Nice. Any other final takeaways for our [00:11:00] listeners about love and money?
Katie Griffin: I was just going to add on that these aren't always fun conversations to have.
Bree Shellito: Or comfortable.
Katie Griffin: Yeah, or comfortable. So do whatever you can to try to make it fun. Like go out for a coffee date or something. Plan to cook a nice dinner together while you're having these conversations, so it's not as much something that you dread as you're getting to do something nice at the same time.
Bree Shellito: And just also depending on personality. I mean, it doesn't mean bringing out the statements or pulling up the credit report or anything. It’s just whatever your personality is, whatever you want to see. Or to Katie's point, maybe having multiple conversations to get there and just being comfortable with being transparent with your partner and knowing what's best for you.
Jessica Quindlen: I love that. Thank you so much. Well, that brings us to the end of our show. Bree, Katie, thanks so much for being here.
Katie Griffin: Thank you for having us.
Bree Shellito: Thank you.
Jessica Quindlen: Thank you for listening to Sound Cents from Ent Credit Union. Be sure to follow our podcast as well as rate and review us. I'm Jessica Quinlan. I will see you next week, same time, same place.
